Accidental Woman

This is a weird ass game for several reasons. It’s a huge text-based RPG adventure in an open world with dynamic quests and a ton of linear story to be explored. There are also countless side quests and all kinds of ways to have sex with a ridiculous amount of people. On top of that there are also government conspiracies, immoral scientific experiments, and you, the main character, just happen to stumble right into the middle of it all. You were unlucky and now you’re a woman. I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, let me start over. This game is an ambitious project that clearly started with a bunch of code and text and then evolved into a full-fledged visual title with all kinds of interfaces and buttons. The whole thing is built in-browser, so it’s cross-compatible with … well, everything really. It’ll run in any modern browser on any device. So, it’s a simple game that’s absolutely loaded with content. There are countless hours of content crammed into Accidental Woman. So what’s the problem? Well, none of the features are actually properly finished. This game promises a lot of complex situations and stories and all the elements are there… but they don’t work. Certain important buttons just crash the game and that’s that. I know it’s a work in progress and I know that updates are coming out each day, but I just can’t figure out how you’re supposed to play this thing when it’s this busted. Still, I’ll review the whole thing and we’ll see if there’s any hope for Accidental Woman.

The Story

It’s a bit of a confusing mess, but it works really well. It gives me mild David Lynch vibes at times, too, what with the small town filled with weird characters and industries that don’t quite make sense. The game starts off with you making your character – male or female, it doesn’t matter much. You get a bit of a different start, but the intro ends roughly the same. You die. Then, you wake up again, in a new body – a female body. That’s the accidental woman they were referring to. It’s you. You accidentally yourself into an early grave and wake up as a woman. As it turns out, a secret organization within this small town are running some sort of odd biological experiments and they’re partly responsible for your new body. You weren’t planned – your whole process was accidental, but they’re willing to let you stay in town and sort of mind your own business as long as you don’t try to leave or cause trouble. For the time being, you’ll be staying with your friend Lily, who just happens to have a gigantic penis. I don’t know how this is relevant, but I’m sure you’ll be trying to fuck her down the line. Anyways, you get free reign of the town and it’s a pretty large place with a lot of destinations. If you’ve ever played games like Deadly Premonition, this kind of freedom should be familiar to you. You can fuck around the place all you want, but your bottom line is to figure out what happened to you and why. You’re uncovering a mystery when you find the time for it, when the story can move along, but aside from that you go clothes shopping, apartment hunting and of course, looking for a job. The game starts kind of boring on purpose.

The Way It’s Written

Most text-based games I’ve played like Degrees of Lewdity and Corruption of Champions tend to use all of the text blocks to describe shit to you. You usually get entire paragraphs describing tit shapes and nipple sizes. You get a lot of that in this game too, but it’s safe to say that the guy behind Accidental Woman is a top-notch writer in a league of his own. He’s constantly using advanced writing techniques that are supposed to get under your skin and get you desperate to solve the mystery. Apart from the regular moving around the city, a lot of the story is delivered in a very confusing way. You never get a straight answer from the narration. You’re constantly confused, even though you’re in control. At this point you might be asking yourself: Is this a porn game or a Stephen King novel? Honestly, I have no fucking clue. 99% of the effort seems to have gone towards making Accidental Woman some sort of literary masterpiece. I have no idea how you’re supposed to jack off to this shit. I mean sure, there are some visual smut scenes here and there. Hell, you see your friend Lily jacking it in the first minute of the game. But, other than that, most of the sex is done through the “combat system” or “sex system”, whatever you wanna call it. It’s not a bad idea, in theory. I mean, you got the same type of gameplay in Degrees of Lewdity. It worked there. You could choose what you wanted to insert where. You could choose how to play along. So, what’s the problem in Accidental Woman? Well…

It’s Broken as Fuck

Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I don’t know how to play the game, but as far as I can tell the damn thing’s broken. I get past all the intro stuff just fine. The story trots along just fine until I get to the part where I can play freely. I get to explore the city and go wherever I want. Well, naturally, I tried to get laid. It’s a fucking porn game, that’s sort of the fucking point, no? Well, the game didn’t like that. The second I actually managed to find someone to fuck, the game crashed. Right as we were about to get to the good stuff, the game started putting up random error messages all-over the screen. I could ignore the messages with the push of a button, but that just made the game stuck. I tried to get to the sexy parts a dozen times over with different characters. Hell, I tried entirely new playthroughs. It didn’t matter. The game straight up refused to cooperate. As it currently stands, Accidental Woman doesn’t work and you straight up can’t play it. The thing I don’t understand is, the entire map seems to be ready. You can go anywhere you want and explore every store, every part of town, the parks, the houses; it’s all ready. But, the sex system is broken. How the fuck do you fuck up a porn game this badly? I understand that the dude behind this game wanted to focus on the writing, but that’s no excuse. Fix the goddamn sex system already, then I’ll give this game a positive review.

The Graphics

For a text-based game, Accidental Woman comes with a lot of visual assets. This also makes the game a bit of a hefty download, but it’s still smaller than casual porn games so it’s fine. There are all kinds of graphical menus. You can tell that the developer didn’t want to force you to read blocks of text. He only really uses the text for the actual writing. You don’t read your stats or the details about your body or NPCs. There are actual pictures with people’s faces and stats get their own sections. There’s also inventory management with images and even a map. Hell, the map’s probably the best part. You don’t “Go north” or whatever. You go exactly where you want to go by pressing on the map. So, you see a store, you visit a store. Simple. Plus, whenever you progress the story, you get full-screen images of the actual place you’re visiting. Like, when I saw Lily jacking it, I actually got to see a drawing of this, in full glory. Granted, it wasn’t animated, but having an image to look at is always better than reading text.

Fuckton of RPG Elements

You get a smartphone in this game. That’s where you’ll find 90% of the RPG menus and they all matter. You get character breakdowns, NPC relationships, your current status as well as any skills you might have. You can also check all the finer details of your genitals and your sexual satisfaction. You can check how many STDs you’ve got, how many children you’ve … birthed, whether you’re lactating and even whether you’re on your period. I like the detailed RPG elements and all. There’s a ton of potential here for a lot of smutty situations. You could keep track of all the people you’ve banged, work on your own personal harem, try not to catch any STDs. The potential’s there, but the execution is shit. The sex system doesn’t work and the game seems to be more of a female simulator than a sex game. Personally, I could do without a role-playing game that’s all about keeping track of your period.