Alien Quest Eve

I always find it kind of hard to review porn platformers, because I don’t understand how smut and jumping across platforms really meet in the middle. But, leave it to innovative indie developers to figure out a way to give you a boner using Metroid-style gameplay. Alien Quest Eve is obviously a Metroid tribute; it’s not like they kind of hide it. But, they sort of address the fact that in that game series, Samus wears a bit too much clothing. Sure, she’s invading alien worlds and she needs that power armor, but the hero of Alien Quest Eve is much more savvy. She goes at these aliens wearing nothing but a skimpy one-piece. Luckily, she’s armed to the teeth. This babe is so ridiculously capable; she puts your average female superhero to shame. She’s got a ton of powerful skills and weaponry and she’s agile as all hell. She can sprint faster than any alien who might get in her way and she can jump to safety, no matter how threatening the odds. However, this all depends on how well you play the game, because, if you let her get downed, shit goes downhill really fast. If she gets knocked down, she gets dicked, hard. That’s the appeal of this game. On the one hand, you want to beat all the baddies, on the other, you kind of want to see this babe get destroyed by dangerous alien monsters.

Smooth and Fun Gameplay

First things first, this is a very smooth platformer. I think that’s the most important part of these kinds of games, after the smut of course. I would never play a platformer that’s janky and unresponsive because it would give me a headache. Even if it had smut, what would be the point if the gameplay was absolute horseshit. Well, Alien Quest Eve doesn’t have that problem. This game is extremely polished and smooth. I think that whoever animated this thing can be thanked for that, though I suspect it was all made by one guy. Most of these kinds of games are. Anyways, the animations are all very smooth and sort of in a high framerate. At moments, this game felt like some sort of polished Nintendo title. Not always. Some of the alien animations can get a little rigid, but overall this game’s smoother than this babe’s behind. I mentioned that she’s powerful and I stand by that. Running around with this babe is an absolute delight. The only thing larger than her kit are her gigantic breasts. I genuinely don’t understand how she manages to run that fast with breasts that clearly weigh like 20 pounds each. They’re real milkers. But, she pulls it off. You run and jump across vast distances and sort of slide your way in-between hordes of enemies that just keep coming. You slash at them with melee and ranged attacks with a lot of opportunity to get rid of them quickly. But, they’re pretty cunning. Alien Quest Eve really wants you to stay alert and excited at all times. This works really well, since you’re either excited about the gameplay or excited to jack off. You never really calm down when you’re playing this game. It really gets the blood pumping.

Tons of Visual Goodies

Before I dig into the sex scenes, which I’m dying to talk about, I gotta cover the actual gameplay art first. It’s gorgeous. Every single time you open up your inventory screen you see a full-sized render of your babe with her tits sort of flopping around. Plus, she always looks so happy, it really puts me in a good mood. As you play through the game and get hit, you lose health points, obviously. But, on top of that, your girl also loses clothing, which forces her to run around with her gigantic milkers flopping all-over the place. Plus, for a 2D platformer, the textures are all rendered in a really high resolution, which makes all of this flopping really sexy. If it was some sort of 8-bit texture, I wouldn’t give much of a shit. But, this girl is drawn in a very high quality. She’s a turn on, even when she’s just running around the place. The aliens also come with a lot of naughty bits, although a large number of them are dudes. They might be fucked up alien monsters, but you can tell they’re dudes regardless, because they have giant cocks – duh. There are also some alien babes that more or less look like zombies and they’re almost as hot as your girl. All in all, this game keeps you both hard and excited at all times. You never catch a break and you really don’t need one. Alien Quest Eve makes sure to entertain you.

Some RPG Elements

First of all, the game is almost entirely open-world. You can use travel stations to navigate between zones, then go wherever you want within them. Yes, there are linear tasks that you have to perform, like boss fights and the like, but how you go about doing them is all up to you. This is why I said that Alien Quest Eve takes a page out of Metroid’s book, since that game let you go wherever you wanted as well. What I don’t know is whether the levels are auto-generated or if they’re static, but it doesn’t matter. I played the game once and I loved every minute of it. I might actually replay it soon, just for the hell of it. It is very rewarding, too, since your babe has an RPG sheet of stats that actually matter. The more you fight baddies, the more experience you have and that lets you unlock unique skills. These skills actually matter. Nothing is cosmetic. If you want to stand a chance against the countless bosses and more dangerous enemy swarms, you’re going to need these upgrades. You could try to speedrun the game with the shit you start off with, but I doubt you’ll get very far. Either way, it’s really cool that you’re given a choice.

Getting Dicked Repeatedly

This game pretty much rewards you no matter what you do, since some sex scenes are inevitable and others happen when you get downed by enemies. Theoretically, you could avoid most of them if you play the game really well, but I’m telling you, you will see them all sooner or later. They’re all hot. This game has tons of original enemies each with their own take on human genitals and they all have a unique way of fucking your girl. The lesbian scenes and the tentacle rapes are my favorite parts by far. They basically took the same in-game sprite for the babe and animated sex scenes in full-screen. It all looks amazing. Plus, if you’ve been playing the game and have gotten immersed into the action and the story, you’ll be that much harder when the girl gets raped, because you’ve gotten to know her. There’s a certain kinky pleasure in knowing that she doesn’t want these aliens in her ass and pussy. It works really well within an action game. There’s literally nothing that Alien Quest Eve got wrong.

It’s Free to Play

Alien Quest Eve was always a Patreon funded title and it used to come out in short little updates, which were kind of frustrating if you just wanted to dive into the whole thing. Well, that time has come and gone; the game is officially complete. You can grab the 1.0 version over on the developer’s Patreon. He was kind enough to supply a really fast download link, so you can be playing this game faster than you could finish reading this review. No jokes. The whole thing is less than a gigabyte across and it’s absolutely busted with content. It’s rare to find developers that care about their game so much that they actually finish the damn thing. I know it’s sad, but it’s true. There are very few platformer porn games that are worth playing and this is one of them. This game hits all the marks. It’s great for the action and it’s great for the smut. Granted, I wouldn’t recommend this game if you just wanted to see all the sex scenes, since you have to unlock them as you play. But, you don’t go long without seeing some kind of smut so it’s not like you’re missing out. The game runs pretty dang great on just about any modern computer and it’s really tiny, so it’s one of those must have titles for all of you perverts out there. So go ahead, drop by the developer’s Patreon and maybe even drop them a shekel or two. I’m sure they’d appreciate it.