Almastriga

I’m kind of torn on Almastriga. On the one hand, damn, look at those gigantic titties. I’d love to watch them flop all day. On the other hand, this game is clunky and kind of a mess. Now, the developers have been updating this bad boy so often that by the time this review goes out there will already be a new version, I’m sure. Plus, they seem like a really nice and respectful bunch, especially when they address fans, so I’ll try to be as nice as possible. After all, Almastriga is in development and they’ve got a lot of features lined up for the final release. The game isn’t bad by any means – far from it. It’s just rough, too rough. Like an unpolished gem, it grinds your gears, because you know what a porn platformer should feel like and this isn’t it. The game has a lot of promising elements like voice acting and gigantic titties in an original style, but the core gameplay mechanics are way too clunky for you to feel like you’re actually in control. That being said, it’s still better than 90% of all porn platformers out there. Porn game developers seem to be allergic to decent 2D physics and it shows in damn near every platformer I’ve played. Almastriga is a strong 7/10 in that regard. You can run, jump, fight and other similar basic moves, but you never quite feel like your character is properly responsive. Thankfully, there are tons of sex scenes that show the main character’s tits flopping about while she’s taking monster cock, so I guess this game’s still getting a positive review from me.

Medieval Metroid

The protagonist of Almastriga, Jane, was clearly inspired by Samus Aran of Metroid fame. No, not because of the way she looks. If anything, her tits weigh more than Samus’s suit. It’s more that they’re both combat savvy chicks who explore dungeons in the depths of alien worlds. You can clearly see the influences. I very much prefer Almastriga’s world, though. Metroid was always very cold and lonely. It got kind of dull over time. Almastriga takes place in a sort of medieval fantasy world. I’m not sure how the aliens factor in, but I don’t know much about the story, so it hardly matters. What I do know is that this game seems to combine a bunch of great themes from some legendary games like Castlevania and the original Prince of Persia, but in a world where all the chicks have giant tits. Oh and all the bad guys are monsters that can and will tentacle rape the aforementioned giant tits. This is a world you can easily jack off to, whether your character is getting dicked or just sort of out and about minding her own business. There’s something hot on screen at all times and it’s usually Jane. I especially like the world they’ve built because it lends itself to a lot of art and boy is there a lot of art in this game. As far as I can tell, it was all drawn especially for Almastriga. I certainly hope they didn’t use any default assets or whatever. But, seeing as how everything meshes together really well, that’s unlikely. Whether you’re exploring underground dungeons or hanging about the surface with your comrades in arms, you’ve got gorgeous assets in front of you at all times. Between the great tits and the great architecture, this world isn’t hard to love.

Alien Threats

I keep saying aliens, but the truth is, I have no fucking clue what these things are. They look like aliens to me. I mean, half of them half tentacles and the other half seem to be made of lava. They could be demons for all I know. It’s all the same to me. At the end of the day, I’m just pushing through to the end to make sure that they don’t murder me. Fun fact: Unlike in most other porn platformers, you’re not pressured to lose the game in order to see the sex scenes. I’ve seen that trend in so many porn games and it always manages to piss me off. I have to choose between losing my virtual life or losing my boner. I don’t want to do that. Thankfully, this game actually rewards you for doing well, by throwing smut your way. It’s not exactly sprinkled all-over, but there’s a fair amount of sex scenes and you don’t have to play very long to unlock them. They’re spaced minutes apart. What I do find a bit confusing is that it’s never quite clear what you’re supposed to be doing next. The game feels like an open world platformer, but it’s clearly very linear. I’m not sure what vibe they were going for here. At any given point in time, I’m thinking: Damn, I wish Jane would take her goddamn clothes off and bend over. And, the thing is, she will, I just don’t know what to do to make that process faster. I don’t know what my end goal is. I mean sure, I have my main quest, but that doesn’t tell you where you need to go. It seems I’m supposed to just enjoy the gameplay so much that I lose track of the titties. I am not going to lose track of the titties, ok? Titties are life.

RPG Elements

One of the things this game does really well – RPG character progression and items. You can pick up items along your journey that go straight into your inventory. Then, you can equip them for extra bonuses and abilities all of which help you in some way. Plus, you get a nice little character sheet that shows you some naughty shots of Jane in the nude. This game really wants you to have fun, ok? Jane feels pretty damn tough to start and she only gets tougher as you progress through the game. That aside, there’s also the dialogues and quests. I suppose those also count as RPG elements. The dialogue is all very well written and it makes you feel like these characters really give a damn about each other. I’m also really glad about the fact that most of them are chicks with giant tits. This means a lot to me. Anyways, the dialogue is made even better by the voice acting that… actually surprised me. I mean, this is an early version of an unfinished game that receives constant updates and is being funded by the public. How in the hell did they afford voice actors? You know what, I don’t want to know. I’m just glad they have them. It’s so rare to get good voice acting in porn games these days, I’m just gonna take what I can get and be glad. The voice acting is great and I enjoyed it very much.

A Promising Game

Between the voice acting, the dialogue, the writing and the RPG elements, it’s clear that Almastriga is a game that’s going to be breaking records… someday. As of right now, it’s still in mid-development and it’s going to be a while before we can consider it a polished product. Still, I like coming back to it once every few months just to see what’s new. They do indeed add new features all the time. Plus, they patch old shit that didn’t work right. They’re working hard on the game and I can’t wait to see what becomes of it. I mean hell, they even got one of those long winded intro sequences with a monologue, some art and proper music. When you first fire up Almastriga you get the feeling like this might be a triple-A production. That’s how far the polish goes. This game is loaded with promising content.

Amazing Sex Scenes

All right, let’s get to the meat. The sex scenes in Almastriga are as straightforward as the tits are huge. We’ve got male and female demonic creatures who may or may not have penises, depending on the scene. They all take Jane violently and without mercy, though sometimes she enjoys this. Other times she’ll just take the punishment and scream. Either way, the sex scenes are mind-blowing. They’re 2D artworks that are strung together like cinematics. You’re basically watching a slide-show but it hardly matters, it’s all very satisfying. Once in a while you get an actual animation as well and I have no preference. All of the scenes are absolutely amazing. Plus, Jane always looks kind of happy to be covered in cum. Almastriga is a fantastic work in progress and I can’t wait for them to improve on the platforming gameplay so I can put it on my list of must-play porn games.