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If there’s one thing I’ve learned from porn and adult media in general, it’s that there is no limit to human creativity. I’m not sure why carnal things get people to think so out-of-the-box, but I’m not going to complain about it.
I’ve covered hundreds of games in the past, and no matter my ultimate opinion, most of them have at least a little special sauce.
Then there are a few which are unlike anything I’ve ever played or, despite my spectacular brain, would never have thought to create. Genital Jousting is definitely one of those sorts of games, and you will undoubtedly want to find out why.
From the People Who Brought You Broforce
The indie studio Free Lives has been publishing gaming content since 2014, but for years their focus seemed to be exclusively on the Broforce series. It’s not worth talking too much about since it’s a safe-for-work retro-inspired side scroller.
However, it clearly showed that the people working on those games proved they know how to produce a good game.
If I was a betting man, I’d wager that the folks at Free Lives were hit by a wave of genius, maybe through several hits of primo acid and bliss pills about half a decade ago. Come early 2018, they released Genital Jousting on Steam and forever changed the internet.
You’ve Never Experienced a Game Like This
On its face, this game has you play as a detached penis with an asshole at the opposite end wriggling around. Not much to work with in terms of crafting a deep philosophical narrative, right? Wrong! This totally unique indie game has a story and a pretty fascinating one at that.
You play as John, an average-sized, potentially cross-dressing, yellow penis looking for love. Much of the story involves what would normally seem like mundane tasks – i.e., showering, dressing, going to work, etc. – but since your a crawling penis, it’s fucking hilarious.
Besides getting by at the office, John goes off on dates with the ultimate goal of finding someone to take to a high school reunion dance.
To quote part of the fall over funny promo description…
“[John] will need some help along the way. He’s wobbly, he’s soft. But he wants to be hard. So very hard. He wants to show everyone his astounding rigidity. And with your help, that’s exactly what he’ll do.”
Beyond being funny, I found that this penis packed romp touches on themes of existentialism, commentaries on materialism, discovering personal identity, and the orgasmic rewards which come with overcoming hardship.
I’d even go so far as to say that fans of Portal would really get off on this game figuratively speaking. Come to think of it, some of my kinkier female and same-sex attracted readers might do so literally. XD
Then again, I might be romanticizing this game just a bit. At the very least, if you like dick jokes and think a little, you might see the same deeper meaning that I do.
There are several ways to play. The campaign has you wriggling around avoiding cars, paper cuts, and other obstacles. Ideally, you’re supposed to keep your ass end away from objects which might penetrate it. Further, you’re going to want to perfect the maneuvering. That way, it’s easier also to watch out for things which might cut your cock in half. The thing is, the controls are deliberately awkwardly designed, so this is a bit tricky.
Those of you who have played Goat Simulator will be familiar with this sort of weird gameplay.
In single-player mood, you can also collect money and items…by taking them up the ass. You can dress your penis, wash both ends of it, and drain your imaginary bladder. There is a mechanic to improve your self-esteem and romance female penises.
As you advance through the story mode, your actions and character’s inner feelings are narrated by a British-born, Robyn Scott, who cracks jokes all the time.
Be a Dick and Fuck Someone…in Multiplayer
With deliberately wonky controls and challenging level design, which requires you to alternate between moving dick tip or ass first, it’s perfect for multiplayer.
For example, you can compete with others in a fucking tournament. And no, I’m not being vulgar, the premise of the original multiplayer game is to fuck other players’ buttholes. You can do this with up to eight players, either locally or online.
There are several other minigames in the Party Mood, some of which are titled Obstacle Intercourse, Double Delight, and my personal favorite Weiner (dog) Round Up.
Customize Your Cock’s Color, Shape, and More
The levels of cock customization is genuinely astounding.
You can pick your multiplayer dick’s color, length, and outfits. Prefer cut or uncut – you can pick whether or not your phallic avatar is sporting a natural turtleneck. Of course, you can add a spiked collar or get a Prince Albert for your cock as well.
The one thing which is a little disappointing is the fact that you can’t add any pubic hair or pick how veiny your dick can be.
Both the dicks, the environments, and the rest of the items have the same watercolor aesthetic. I’m not sure, but for some reason, it works. Maybe it has something to do with all of the fluids various the playable and NPC penises exude.
The Soundtrack and Effects Only Add to the Humor
Keeping with the look of the game, the sound design uses an appropriate mix of squishy and flatulent-like noises. The music tracks are equally good both in terms of quality and range. Some songs are beautifully ethereal, other tracks create a powerful dramatic feeling, and others have a super fun, uplifting beat.
You Have to Pay-to-play But You Can Get It At a Discount
The official version of this game can be found on Steam, meaning GJ is going to cost you some money. Fortunately, this game is being sold for cheap at only $6.99 as of right now.
There is a little bit of a catch, though. Right now, Steam is not compatible with Mac OS Catalina. There was a 32-bit version of Steam, which will run with Apple products, but Apple is apparently getting rid of support for that application. However, the new 64-bit version has been added to the site, so you Mac users be careful how you acquire this game.
However, if you aren’t sure you want to put out the money to play this game yet, you can play a ‘free’ licensed version on WTFast.com. I suppose I should say that you can get access using a free trial account on this site anyway.
As with other gaming sites, you only need to submit your name and email, come up with a password, and verify your account. Then you can play Genital Jousting along with hundreds of other games for free.
There Are a Few Things I’d Like to See
I don’t really have much to bitch about. But since Free Lives has a history of adding to their IPs, I’ve got some ideas for a DLC or sequel to Genital Jousting.
First, for a game about a penis navigating the world, staying clean, and picking updates, I’d like to see an STD mechanic added. Second, I have only good things to say about the campaign – however, being only about ninety minutes long, I wished there was more story to explore.
Third, while you can extend your dick’s length, it’s still weird to me that you can’t go full erection.
As far as I know, no male-on-male penis romance version. I don’t know about you, but I think adding that as an option makes sense for some reason.
But other than the few things I’ve mentioned, there isn’t much else to complain about. As it is now, this game is practically a masterpiece.
Finally, Is It Worth Shelling Out Some Coin?
And now we come to the climax of this epic review.
After sinking way too many hours (or maybe not enough) I found that I laughed, I cried, and I have never been more into aroused by some many lady penises.
Most games I look at tend to be for a particular audience, but I am so confident you all are going to love Genital Jousting. There is something for everyone in terms of gameplay, the campaign is incredible, and there’s humor packed in almost every second.
Move over The Unfinished Swan; this is the artistic, indie game everyone needs to be playing. Not only do I think you should play it, but I also give GJ a hard five hands.
- For a game about penises, it’s surprisingly not too gay
- There is even more humor than you would guess
- Create your ideal penis before going into battle with other gamers
- The campaign is amazingly engrossing, and the multiplayer is fantastic
- You will have to pay a small fee for a download
- There isn’t an official mobile version yet
- Mac users might have issues getting the game on Steam