Heart Of The Woods

Lesbians! Do I have your attention yet? Heart of the Woods is a game about lesbians. Well, I say game, I mean visual novel. So in other words, it’s more of a story. You get to make a few decisions along the way, but for the most part you’re listening to lesbians complain about lesbian problems. What are lesbian problems you might ask? Play this game to find out. Just kidding, I’ll give you a spoiler at least. Lesbians bitch about the fact that they’re lesbians. It’s as if they haven’t figured out that they can just bang and get it over with. Most of the chicks in this game complain about the fact that they like each other.

But that’s not all. There are also fairies and ghosts and all kinds of forest creatures and oh my. This game is loaded with excuses for these girls to complain, bitch and moan, because hey, it wouldn’t be a hentai visual novel if the women weren’t constantly annoying. But maybe I’m being a bit too mean. These lesbians are a lot less annoying than most hentai lesbians. Sure, they don’t focus nearly as much as they should on pussy, but hey, they’re women after all. It’s important to remember that even lesbians are women. So, even though they thirst for the pussy, as I do, they have to let complications get in the way, because otherwise they wouldn’t be women. Am I right? I’m right. Anyways, let’s dive into some lesbian action with Heart of The Woods.

Paranormal Lesbianism

The game’s story is pretty darn original and that’s rare in these types of games. Right off the bat the game hooked me by not taking place in an academy. It seems like every visual novel I play these days has the main character be a dude and it’s his first day at some fucking academy. Fuck that. No, in this game you play as a paranormal investigator. Well, technically you play as a team of investigators. They run some sort of web show. Their entire shtick is hunting for ghosts, but they’re well aware that such things do not exist and they sort of do their jobs regardless.

Well, it was all business as usual until they get an invitation from some woman who claims she’s got proof of real paranormal events in a forest next to a town called Eysenfeld. Apparently there be ghosts about or some shit. Now, get this. There are a few main characters, but you have one main bitch called Maddie Raines. Maddie is a closeted lesbian. Ok, so far so good. She joins the team for one last expedition. She wants to retire that job and move on, but she agrees to join them, one last time. Well, it turns out that there is in fact a ghost in the woods and it’s a lesbian ghost. She falls in love with the ghost and they have paranormal lesbian sex. I shit you not, this game is awesome.

It’s a Bit … Too Much

It’s fun when your character gets it on with the ghost. There are also a lot of other lesbian scenes along the way, depending on how you play the game. But, the bottom line is, 99% of this game has you listening to a bunch of lesbians complaining about how their lives aren’t quite what they want them to be. So, let’s do the math here. You’ve got several lesbians in a secluded and relatively peaceful village with a romantic setting and a horny lesbian ghost. And… it didn’t occur to any of them to just pour a few drinks and have an orgy.

See, this is why men are just better at life, objectively. If these were gay dudes they wouldn’t wait for the goddamn bus to arrive at the station, they’d already be inside each other’s pants. That’s the kind of passion I’d like to see from my lesbians. But no, instead I get to listen to them bitch and moan about life being difficult or some shit. The ghost bitch is the only one I have any patience for, because she’s actually fucking dead. Like, yeah, I can see how that might be a problem. If you’re dead and you manage to apparate for long enough to complain about the fact that you died young, hell yeah, I’ll listen to you. I’ll listen to you bitch about your problems for hours. Being dead sucks. Plus, if you’re stuck in a forest, with no porn and no way to order in some quality pussy, I’m sure to feel bad for you. So, ghost babe gets a pass from me. She’s cool in my book. Plus, she gets laid after she dies, so I basically have to tip my hat to her. She has more game than me. Her name’s Abigail, by the way. She’s the only one I actually bothered to remember.

The Art and Smut

I haven’t heard too much about Studio Elan, the folks behind Heart of the Woods. Apparently, they’re a Patreon funded indie studio that specializes in lesbian games. I’ll just come out and say it, their artist is the bomb. I don’t know if one person did the backdrops and the characters, since they’re in a bit of a different style, but it all fits together really well and this game’s a joy to look at. Granted, none of the actual assets gave me a boner, until the actual action started, which took a while. Still, I give props where they’re due. This art is gorgeous and any still from this game would make for an amazing wallpaper. Hell, you could hang these stills as paintings and they’d brighten up your apartment.

As for the smut… well, we’ll get there. First you need to get the optional adult patch. A lot of people in the reviews for Heart of the Woods make a point to stress that it’s optional. How the fuck is a sex patch optional in a lesbian themed game? The girl on girl action is the best fucking part. What, the complaining is essential but the sex isn’t? Give me a fucking break. Get the adult patch. Once you do, you’ll get actual sex scenes when the girls get it on and well… it’s hot, but it’s not exactly hardcore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s great art for a fap… maybe. The girls are decently attractive and I’d walk a mile through broken glass to stick my dick in their ass – though I doubt they’d like that on account of the whole lesbian thing. You’ll notice I said that they’re attractive, not drop dead gorgeous fap-worthy cock sleeves. Well, that’s the thing. This game isn’t hot, even when they’re fucking. It’s just sad. The whole damn game is sad as fuck.

This Game’s Depressing

Heart of the Woods is more likely to make your eyes wet than it is to give you a boner. On the one hand, that’s great, if you’re a pussy or a woman. But, if you’re a hot blooded virile male, then you might feel a bit duped. I mean, this game’s not free. Sure, there’s a playable demo, but that doesn’t count. You have to pay $15 for this bad boy. And yes, you do get very long playtime for the price, but you don’t get sex scenes. You get some mild romance and a shit ton of women feeling bad about themselves. If I wanted to listen to women tell me about their daddy issues, I’d stop sticking my dick down their throats. The main reason I like getting blown is because women can’t talk with their mouth full.

But in this game, women talking is like a fucking fetish. I swear, I think they went out of their way to make this game depressing so that it would appeal to women. It’s probably aimed directly at lesbian gamers, but any woman would find this interesting, since it drones on for so fucking long. This game is not a fap title and that’s the end of it. It might be a literary masterpiece of epic proportions. It might be the best lesbian love story ever written, I don’t know. But it’s certainly not something you’ll kill to fap to and that’s kind of sad.

My Thoughts

Play this game if you’re in the mood for a break from porn, because there’s a lot of romance and quality writing and barely any sex scenes. Plus, once they actually start fucking, they’re done in a few minutes anyway so you can’t rub one off. This game was made for people who genuinely care about sad lesbian relationships and daddy issues. So, it’s the polar opposite of fun. In other words, if you’re in the mood for a sad movie, play this instead. Since it’s a game, you’ll feel like the sad shit is actually happening to you personally. And, if you do manage to fap to this game, well, you’re a better man than I am.