Noaika

I always get really sad when I review dead porn games. Noaika is an amazing porn project that will possibly never see the light of day and there’s kind of a good reason for that. Still, I’m sad. I mean, Noaika had a ton of potential. It came out as a fully playable demo that showcased all the features of what could have been a great porn game. The developer is this legendary dude called Kyrieru. He’s known for doing most of the work on his games with a passion. He always does a great job. Plus, he tends to focus on gameplay over story and he usually inserts the sucking and fucking into the actual gameplay, so you don’t get shoved out of immersion by having to watch a cutscene. This is the kind of porn game I’d kill to play. But alas, I’ll have to settle for some of Kyrieru’s other games. Noaika will never get another update after the demo… probably. Still, even as a demo, the game has a lot to offer in my opinion. It’s the porn world’s smallest gem. Seriously, it’s damn small and damn polished. The game will take you less than an hour to complete. Plus, there’s no conclusive ending either. You mostly just get a demo of the gameplay. Granted, it’s all extremely polished, but what’s the fucking point of that? I want the whole experience, damn it. This game had the potential to be in my all-time top 10. Instead, it’s just a free playable demo. Well, at least you can still play it. Let’s dig into why I think Noaika is so amazing.

A Great Action Title

Noaika is smooth as butter. For a platforming shooter, this is roughly the only thing that really matters. I can’t tell you how many porn platformers I’ve played. Most of them are garbage. Their sex scenes are hot, their characters are interesting, hell, some of them even have amazing stories. But, the average porn platformer has dogshit physics and is an absolute nightmare to play. You usually feel like you’re pushing a three-wheeled shopping cart. That’s the stuff of nightmares. If a platformer isn’t smooth, it’s not worth playing and that’s just a fact. Leave it to Kyrieru to figure out a way to code actual good physics. Running around as the female protagonist of this game feels satisfying. You feel like you’re in control. The game isn’t a slow slog through thick mud, it’s an absolute breeze to play. Oh and did I mention the particle effects? This game is absolutely bursting with all kinds of animations that keep you excited throughout. It’s got that lovable retro vibe that’s just exploding with quality. Your controls are responsive and your actions feel like they matter. You can see the impact that your weapons have on your enemies. The game actually makes you feel powerful. That’s the kind of shit I play platformers for. Yes, I’m mostly here for the pussy, but I want to enjoy myself in the meantime. The game is straight up just fun to play. There are many upgrades for you to unlock along the way and they help you make your way through the whole game. I don’t know if you can cover the whole demo without the upgrades, but the game is hard either way. It’s the right kind of hard, too. It doesn’t punish you pointlessly for being bad. You get a chance to defend yourself, no matter who’s attacking you. And, if you fail, well, you’ll have to watch your character get violently penetrated by a bunch of horny alien monsters. That’s just the price of doing business, I guess.

Unique Art Style

Kyrieru hasn’t exactly invented a new way to do 2D graphics – it’s all mostly just 8-bit inspired chibi hentai shit, but it’s done really damn well. Every asset in this game meshes really well together and at times you even forget that you’re not playing Super Mario or Metroid. The game is that well-polished. And sure, it looks retro as all hell, but that’s sort of the point. Everything’s a bit cuter than it should be. Some of the enemies look like zombies, but they’re cute zombies. You play as a hot chick, but she’s a tiny and cute hot chick. So what if she’s got giant cans? She can still be cute. On top of that, there are so many cool animations all-over the place to keep the juices flowing. For every gun or ability you have in your kit, there’s a nice accompanying animation to make you feel like you’re actually affecting the world around you. The game even makes great use some strategically placed lights. There are no shadows, as this is a 2D platformer, but the lights really help set the mood. The game feels kind of creepy at times and that’s a damn good thing. As far as I can tell, Kyrieru was going for a sort of Metroid theme, but on a smaller scale. The platforms are larger and the gameplay is slower, but in my opinion, it’s more exciting than Metroid.

Fucking Some Aliens

I almost forgot that I was reviewing a porn game. Gotta talk about the titties. Ok, so, you fight aliens in this game. Some of them look like zombies, others look like tentacles. But, one thing they all have in common is that they all have an organ or two that they can use to fuck human women. And, you’re the only human woman on their planet so… they’re going to have to fuck you. Now, you’re not exactly down with being fucked, so you’re shooting them to keep them away. But, if you get hit enough times, you’ll lose your super powered armor. That armor is the only thing standing between you and tentacle rape, so try not to lose it. If you do, the next attack is going to lead to some hardcore forced penetration. These tentacles will ride you six ways to Sunday then discard you like a pile of garbage. You’re basically fighting off alien rape in this game, for nearly an hour.

Amazing Soundtrack

I don’t normally expect my 6-year-old, hour long retro game demos to have amazing soundtracks. Hell, I don’t expect them to have sounds, let alone actual music. But, Kyrieru is a smut wizard, so he made sure to compose an amazing long track that sort of loops the whole time you’re playing Noaika. On the one hand, it loops forever and tends to drone on. On the other hand, it’s a fucking masterpiece. I don’t know whether he’s got other similar tracks in mind for the future, but this one is an absolute gem and I have the damn thing on my phone. I listen to it sometimes when I feel I need to unwind. If you like Noaika’s soundtrack, you should also check out the tunes from Eroico, which is another Kyrieru platformer. This guy has a habit of composing amazing masterpieces for his porn games. He knows the value that good music brings to a porn game. Combine this wonderful song with the shooting action and the sex scenes and you’ve got yourself a perfect cocktail. Get it? Cocktail? I crack myself up.

Noaika Might Live!

Breaking news! Kyrieru actually responded to fan questions on his blog regarding Noaika. It’s been six years since we got any updates. It seemed like Noaika was permanently dead in the water. Hell, he worked on several other games in the meantime. We just assumed that this game was an abandoned demo and nothing more. But, he confirmed on his blog, quite recently, that he’s taking a step back from Lufuclad. That’s the game that he’s been pouring most of his time into lately. He also mentioned quite directly that Noaika is absolutely not dead. In fact, he’s still planning to finish it as a complete porn game. That means we might actually get more songs on the soundtrack. It also means more tentacle rapes. Hell, it means more Noaika. I personally can’t wait to see an update to this game. It’s been way too many years since the demo came out and people are still playing it. The message is clear. The world needs more Noaika. In the meantime, we’ll have to settle for playing Lufuclad and Eroico. Those games are extremely similar to Noaika, albeit in a different setting. Kyrieru tends to make his game really similar. He has a style and a genre preference, so we can’t judge. I’m personally very impressed by the level of quality he brings to the table. I just hope that it won’t be another 6 years before we hear about Noaika again.