Princess Evangile

Princess Evangile is one of the weirdest hentai visual novels out there. It’s extremely well made, with a very long playtime, a fleshed out story and a ton of pussies for you to dive into face-first. But, the sex, fuck me, the sex is weird. I’ll describe the sex scenes in detail, don’t worry about that. Suffice it to say, they’re a bit too realistic for my taste. Still, this bad boy was put together by legendary developer Moonstone and it was published by MangaGamer, so at the very least you know you’re looking at a quality title. Hell, they’re charging $35 for the damn thing on Steam. It’s supposed to be top of the line and in many ways it is.

This game is definitely the complete package, but I’m kind of on the fence about recommending that you play it. There are definitely much hotter hentai games out there. Even if you decide to play something shorter, made on a smaller budget, you might get a much harder boner with that than you would with Princess Evangile. The game seems to be made by weebs for weebs and not just because it’s steeped in romance. Suffice it to say, it’s the kind of porn game in which you spend 99% of the time talking to anime cuties with bland personalities and a hidden desire for your cock. It sounds like a great setup, but my God, listening to women speak for hours on end is not my idea of a good time, even if they do eventually take their clothes off.

The Setup

Princess Evangile’s story rates as a 5 on my originality scale. On the one hand it’s a generic hentai crapshoot about a boring young male protagonist who has no discernable characteristics. He’s not charming, or interesting or particularly good-looking. Women only really sleep with him because he spends an inordinate amount of time pretending to listen to them bitch and moan about their problems. So, he’s a self-insert protagonist.

On the other hand, the actual story that he goes through, especially at the beginning, is pretty dang spicy. He discovers that after his mother died, his father made a habit of borrowing money from the Yakuza. Yes, that Yakuza. Now, they’re after him, to collect on his father’s debt. They even try assaulting him while he’s on a date with this random ass pink-haired cutie. Some other weird shit happens, like your boy getting his hands on a winning lottery ticket that could be the solution to all of his problems, but a cat manages to steal it somehow. The game doesn’t take itself very seriously and neither should you. So, long story short, pink-haired bitch suggests that your boy can solve all of his problems if he just signs up to attend her school, which happens to be an all-girl academy. Why would they admit a man into an all-girl academy? Who knows. How is this going to solve any of your character’s problems? I haven’t a fucking clue. Look, it’s the world of anime, don’t overthink things. You’ll give yourself a headache.

Getting into the Pussy

As you can imagine, the majority of this game’s core gameplay, if you can call it that, is clicking through text dumps of dialogue while your character meets and interacts with a ton of babes at the academy. They’re all fairly polite and nice, but most of them are kind of on the fence about having a man in their midst. As if men can’t be trusted around women. It’s not my fault they all want the dick. It’s not like I forced them or anything.

Anyways, you go through the daily grind of attending school, club meetings, lunches, hangouts and dates with all of the babes. There are a lot of babes. Though, I think that only four of them have distinct storylines. I didn’t give enough of a shit to pay attention. One way or another, you manage to get under their skin which eventually leads to you getting inside their panties. But fuck me, it takes forever to get there. And, until you actually manage to romance them properly, they don’t even give you a hint of a tease. No sideboob here. The chicks have their clothes on 99% of the time. This is my idea of the perfect nightmare. Glorious tits everywhere, but I can’t catch a gander at them. It’s not fair.

Weirdest Sex Ever

I’ve played porn games in which schoolgirls get kidnapped by sewer tentacles then impregnated with little larvae eggs that later hatch and turn into more tentacles that rape the girls from the inside. Still, Princess Evangile managed to freak me out more than any other porn game I’ve ever played. How? Well, the sex scenes in this game are actually realistic. No, I mean, actually realistic. These girls are all 18-ish, since they’re in college and all.

Have you ever banged an 18-year-old college chick? What about a prude 18-year-old college chick who’s also afraid of men and terrified of losing her virginity? No? Well, let papa sit you down and mansplain to you what that’s like. Firstly, she’ll have her eyes closed for most of the encounter. Second, she won’t move much at all. Thirdly, she’ll whine and moan, even though she doesn’t want you to stop. She’ll say keep going, but her face will be saying stop. And then, you’ll put your cock in her snatch and she’ll scream bloody murder. After that, your dick will be covered in blood and you’ll feel like you’re in the middle of a horror movie and you’re both the monster and the victim. That’s what real sex with inexperienced 18-year-olds is like.

These developers dead ass made every single sex scene in this game play out like a real rendition of a proper virgin banging. – They’re not hot, they’re traumatizing, awkward and weird as all hell. It was super hard to jack off to these sex scenes. I tried. The girls were hot and everything and I was more than glad to see them naked, but if the girl doesn’t look like she’s really having a good time, I can’t enjoy myself either. This game makes you feel like you’re romancing a girl permanently, for the hopes of long term intimacy and perhaps marriage. That’s the polar opposite of hot. It’s depressing.

Some Upsides

I hated most of Princess Evangile, because I like my porn games smutty and without restraint. I like women that really know how to wield a cock like it’s a fucking loaded gun. I want my babes to be into the action as much as I am. That’s not what Princess Evangile brought to the table. No, this game was all about bedding actual 18 year olds who are terrified of sex and possibly terrified of you. It gave me date-rape vibes, especially since I knew I was just clicking through the scenes in order to get to the next nude snap.

However, the community that loves this game disagrees with me. Why? Because they’re fucking weebs, that’s why. Nah, I’m kidding. There are tons of people on Steam who dead ass loved this game because they found it romantic and down to Earth. I guess they’re really into the idea of romance in their porn games. I also guess they couldn’t get laid to save their lives. Whatever, I’m not here to judge. So, if you’re looking for a hentai visual novel that’s down to Earth, with innocent girls that you get to properly romance and develop affection for, this is the game for you. I’ll be giving it a hard pass in the future. The damn thing needs to be replayed several times over in order to fuck all the girls. I don’t have time for that. Maybe you do.

The Art Is Spectacular

I try to leave the best for last in these kinds of reviews, especially if I’ve been bitching and moaning for three paragraphs in a row. This game’s art is absolutely fantastic. It’s a bit south of sexy and much closer to cute, but every inch of every scene has been crafted with care. You can tell. Every room with every bit of furniture looks amazing. The backdrops are very relaxing to stare and you genuinely feel like you’re making your way through an actual world.

You’re not just staring at babes the whole time, you move through this fictional Japanese town and visit actual memorable places. Speaking of Japanese, this game has some voice-overs that are unfortunately, in Japanese. However, the whole thing is subtitled in English with proper translations, so it’s not like you ever get stuck or confused. And one last thing, do not buy this game on Steam if you want to see pussy. The uncensored version is available on MangaGamer’s website. The Steam version was neutered to be child-friendly.