Taffy Tales

Taffy Tales is a twisted little visual novel about a high school dweeb gone bad. And by little, I mean this thing is nowhere near fleshed out or done. That doesn’t matter. Because the content that is here, well, let’s just say it’s pretty fucked up. That alone should get you through the game just fine. Like I said, you play as some dweeb in high school. He’s such a pushover at first, whining about how sad his life is, and hating that he’s not one of the popular kids. All those popular kids make fun of him, yeah. But what he really hates is that he’s missing out on all the chicks he could be banging. It’s a sad life for this lonely twink who’s never had any ass. I guess you’re supposed to feel sorry for him. This kid’s “woe is me” attitude is seriously annoying, though. He’s just so miserable, it’s more pathetic than anything. Shit, everyone in this game is either pathetic, annoying, or comically evil. It’s all about sex all the time and nothing else matters. Dicking girls down is the only thing that matters in this game’s world. Hopefully you’re here for the porn, not the characters, even though this is a story-driven visual novel. Fuck this game’s writing to hell and back. That’s how bad it is. These unlikable cunts aren’t even worth caring about. The worst cunt of them all is the pitiful ass main character. He has no friends, he doesn’t care about anyone except for himself, and he just wants to get laid. Of course he has a crush on his French teacher. His French teacher with the most gargantuan-sized tits, I couldn’t even take her seriously. Like this is crossing into hentai territory with how ridiculous this shit looks. The rest of Taffy Tales’ art is okay—except for these oversized tits. Now, I’ve got nothing against you if you’re into that kind of thing. But hey, when I’m playing a non-hentai game, this isn’t the stuff I expect to see on my screen. These tits are more of a hint to you, as the player. If a girl has those floppy water balloons hanging from her chest, it probably means you can fuck her or at least watch her get fucked by someone else. Pretty easy shortcut. Anyway, back to the main character. His one redeemable thing is that he saves some girl from getting gang raped in the boy’s locker room. He’s afraid to do it at first because she’s surrounded by a bunch of stronger dudes that like to pick on him. But he saves the day in the end, the girl is grateful, and then everyone moves on. Just when you start to think he might not be so bad after all, everything goes downhill. When he leaves school and gets hit by a car while crossing the street, Taffy Tales’ main gimmick kicks in. The head trauma from the accident causes his inner-devil to come out, like a split personality. Except not really, since this devil just says all the rude, nasty, perverted shit that he’s always been afraid to give a voice to. Whenever the dialog color on the screen turns red, and those little devil horns show up on the main character, this is his inner asshole coming to life. This jackass sets him on the path to finally getting girls to notice him.

Devils Get Laid

Taffy Tales wants you to be an evil prick. There’s a morality system where you just become more and more evil over time. So it’s more like an immorality counter that steadily ticks up as you do more evil actions, like talking down to your so-called friends and sexualizing every single chick you come across. That girl you saved from the bullies early on in the game? She falls in love with you when you start pointing out her tits and dehumanizing her. The French teacher the main character crushes on? You get to sneak pictures of her ass on your phone to jack off to later. There’s even a rich blonde bitch in your class that you can plot against, using sex to humiliate her as payback for bullying you, too. This evil asshole schtick is nothing if not consistent. Pretty much everyone in this game is a fucking jerk, aside from maybe one or two people. No inspiring, virtuous heroes to look up to here. Nope, everyone’s out for themselves, looking to get a quick bang or put someone else down for their own fucking amusement. You don’t change the system in this godforsaken high school. You turn into your bullies and thrive in the same ways that they do. Any twisted fantasies you had of doing the same in school will probably come true here.

Sex is Cheap, Sex is Meaningless

Taffy Tales runs on raw hormones. Every girl is a piece of ass for you to use. No one’s worth a shit unless you can manipulate them for sex, dirty pics, or filthy blowjobs in the bathroom stall. In the limited places you can go in this game, such as the school, your house, and the local store, sex is the main attraction. There’s hardly anything to do, and the few places you can go are pretty fucking boring. You’re expected to want cheap sex all the time, and if you don’t, then there’s something wrong with you. Because there’s nothing else to find in this game. Thinking of running to that store I mentioned? Oops, you might stumble on the cashier getting her huge ass pounded by some faceless dude. Gigantic tits rubbing against the counter, she just bends over and takes it, getting railed by this guy’s huge cock. No reason, just because.

The hilariously bad writing is just running on fumes from hormones, hormones, hormones. For a story-driven game, there isn’t much story going on here. You just run around town looking for sex or cheap thrills. If that’s your thing, then come on in. But if you’re more into some actual plot with your porn games, then you’re probably going to end up disappointed.

What I Like

I like how unapologetic Taffy Tales is. There’s no getting around it. This game is for assholes. And if you’re not an asshole, then you’re going to feel like one by the time you’re done with this. Taffy Tales makes no excuses for how immoral these characters are. You either have to roll with it or call it quits. I can appreciate that kind of boldness, even when it makes me laugh for the wrong reasons. Whether or not it actually works? I don’t think it does, but you don’t have to take my word for it. Play the game yourself and see if it works for you, or if you end up laughing as much as I did.

What I Hate

These characters suck. Like I said earlier, no redeeming qualities anywhere. No one to get attached to or root for. It’s hard to care about any of these fuckers. They’re either sadistic bullies out to terrorize everyone else, or they’re complete pushovers you can barely even feel sorry for. Everyone’s a jackass (like the main character) or they’re pathetic (like the main character used to be). Doesn’t leave a lot of room to enjoy spending however many hours with these people. The story sucks. Hell, there is no fucking story. You just become more and more immoral over time and use people for sex. Taffy Tales pretends to have a character-driven story. But it’s really just about the sex and those cheap thrills. Throwaway sex, too. Quick and dirty with no point whatsoever. I wouldn’t mind at all if not for the whole pretending to have a story thing. The barebones exploration sucks. The game isn’t finished, okay. But actually playing this thing is slow-going. Day in and day out, you go to school, fuck around with the people there, and then you go back home and sleep. It’s a repetitive slog that’ll make you turn your brain off. Yeah, the game kind of opens up later where you get to make money and do quests or whatever else. It’s just not that exciting to me. By the time I got to that point, I was already bored out of my mind. The dialog choices don’t mean anything, either. Not yet, anyway. This will supposedly change in the final product. Until then, have fun making decisions that won’t go anywhere.